Abuse & family violence

Abuse and family violence come in many forms. It can range from threats to physical or sexual assault. It might also include harmful financial, emotional, and verbal actions (things said).

An abuser uses threats and violence to gain power and control over their partner. Often the abuser blames the abuse on the victim. Remember abuse is the abuser's fault. Abuse against you isn't your fault.

Abuse can be emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, and/or financial. Here are some examples of abuse in relationships.

Emotional abuse

• calling you names
• putting you down
• blaming you for everything
• embarrassing you
• yelling at you
• hurting your pet
• damaging something you own

Psychological abuse

• controlling who you see
• controlling what you do
• opening and reading your mail or other private papers
• threatening to hurt you or someone else

Physical abuse

• shoving
• punching
• hitting
• slapping
• choking

Sexual abuse

• making you do sexual things when you don't want to
• ˜forcing you to perform sex acts that make you uncomfortable or hurt you
• using pornography in front of you when you aren't comfortable with it
• talking to others about your sexual abilities
• putting you at risk for unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases
• having sex with you when you're not awake or alert enough to agree to it
• rape or unwanted sex
• ˜injuring sexual parts of your body without your agreement.

Financial abuse

• controlling how you spend your money
• making all the household money decisions and not letting you have any money
• not letting you use bank accounts or credit cards
• refusing to let you get a job or makes you lose your job
• running up debts in your name

Abuse that's against the law

Certain types of abuse are more harmful than others and are against the law — these are crimes. Assault and criminal harassment are crimes.

• Physical assault — when your partner hits or hurts you, or threatens to hit or hurt you and you believe that can and will happen.
• Sexual assault — when anything sexual happens to you without your agreement, including unwanted kissing, sexual touching, forced intercourse (rape), and using a weapon to force you into sexual activity.
• Criminal harassment — sometimes called stalking — when your partner forces unwanted and continuing attention on you. It's a pattern of threats and actions that makes you afraid for yourself and your children. The law says your partner can't phone or email you again and again, follow you, threaten you, or threaten to destroy your property.

A safety plan is made up of steps you can take to protect yourself and your children whether you stay with your partner or leave. Having a safety plan means you know how to get help if your partner is abusing you. Your children will feel safer when you help them make their own safety plan.

If you're thinking about leaving your partner, it's important to plan what to do before and after you leave. A safety plan can help you protect yourself both at home and outside your home.

Get help to make a plan to stay safe

It's a good idea to ask a friend, advocate, or victim service worker to help you make a safety plan. VictimLinkBC can help you get started on your safety plan. They offer confidential support to people experiencing abuse. Call 1-800-563-0808 (24 hours).

See also the resource Safety Planning to find out how to start a safety plan, and how to protect yourself at home, protect yourself if you leave, and protect your children.

Someone might stay with an abusive partner for many reasons. You might stay for one or more of these reasons:

• You may be a victim of a "cycle of violence" — a repeated pattern of violence in an abusive relationship. It sometimes begins with tension that slowly builds until a violent event happens. After the violent event, your partner might be very sorry. They might promise it won't happen again, and might be very loving and attentive. This might convince you and your partner that the abuse will end. But this pattern of abuse often happens again.
• You feel you depend on the abuser for money, especially if you have a disability.
• You're afraid for your children’s safety.
• You're afraid of losing your home.
• You think no one will believe the abuse happened.
• You feel like your partner has power in the community and you're on your own.
• You have no social supports because you stay away from your family and friends.
• You don't know about your legal rights or support services that can help you.

Emotional effects of abuse

The idea of leaving might feel very difficult. Abuse makes you feel very isolated (alone). It can make you feel cut off from your friends and family and your childhood community.

You're not alone. Help is available. Sexual assault centres, shelters, and other anti-violence programs can help with emotional support and safety planning using online options like videoconferencing, or by phone, email, or text.

You can get help for yourself and your children, whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave. There are support services and trained people who can help you all over BC. Scroll down for the resources list under See more, below Get help.

Sadly, abuse almost always gets worse. If you don't leave your partner, your life could be at risk.

Harm reduction strategies

Being confined at home with an abusive partner can be very scary. Harm reduction strategies can help you through this overwhelming time. Try to make time for your own health and wellness to help make a big difference in how you feel. Try to keep in touch with family and friends over the phone, text, or email if it's safe for you to do so.

Get help making a safety plan. You can do things to make you and your children safer if you decide to stay with your abusive partner. See the section What is a safety plan? above to find out how to get help to protect yourself and your children in your home.

Sometimes leaving your partner can trigger more violence. It's very important to stay safe. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.

To find the nearest victim service worker, safe house, or transition house call VictimLinkBC at:

1-800-563-0808 (24 hours a day)

VictimLinkBC provides services in over 100 languages, including 17 North American Aboriginal languages.

It's also very important to get legal help. Call Legal Aid BC right away to find out if you qualify for a free lawyer:

604-408-2172 (Greater Vancouver)

1-866-577-2525 (elsewhere in BC)

Safe houses and transition houses

Some bands have transition houses on reserve that help women and children who are survivors of abuse. If you're off reserve or you want to leave it, there are more safe houses and transition houses you can go to.

Victim service workers, Native courtworkers, and advocates

Throughout BC, communities offer programs that help survivors of abuse. Some of them mainly serve Aboriginal women.

A victim service worker can also help you deal with police, the welfare ministry, and the courts. Or you can ask an advocate or trusted community member. That helper can go with you to meetings and give you emotional support.

You can also look for Native courtworkers. They can explain legal situations to you or speak on your behalf in court.

Who can stay in the family home on reserve?

As of December 16, 2014, there are new laws that set out who can stay in the family home on reserve when you and your partner break up. For more information, see Your home on reserve.

The new Family Homes on Reserve and Matrimonial Interests or Rights Act sets out who can stay in the family home on reserve if your relationship breaks up. The new act applies to you if:

• you live on a First Nation reserve,
• at least one of you is a member of the First Nation or a status Indian, and
• you've been living with your girlfriend or boyfriend for at least a year (you're common law partners), or
• you're married (spouses).

If you've left your home due to family violence, you might still have a right to live in the home. It doesn't matter that you were the one to leave. It also doesn't matter whether you're a band member or status Indian.

You may feel ashamed, afraid, and alone. Abuse in relationships is not a private family matter. You can get help for yourself and your children, whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave. Support services and trained people can help you wherever you live in BC.

You can get help

Get emotional support

When you're ready to begin the journey of emotional healing, it's a good idea to get counselling. You can call your local Aboriginal community centre, social services agency, or friendship centre. They can help you find local counselling or an Elder to talk to. If you live on reserve, your band might offer these services.

To find the nearest victim service worker, safe house, or transition house, call VictimLinkBC at 1-800-563-0808 (24 hours a day). Or call BC211 at 211 for information and referrals to supports available in your community.

For a list of more resources to help you, scroll down to See more, under Get help.